Saturday, September 13, 2014

H.P. Lovecraft Gets a Summer Job

Beyond this window is a world saner than I. Beyond this window is a world less sane than I. Yes, it is sane because those in it say so. They think they know the world, have seen all that it holds. They hear the speech of one like myself and scoff. They know better, they are the sane ones. Yet they are only sane as the majority says, and the majority are fools.


I am the sane one. So sane that it fills my mind with horrifying images, truths that so many might see if they had the eyes to look. But they all see only the veil that they have created for themselves. My veil has been destroyed; I can not go back to the happy ignorance through which I have viewed life these past sixteen years. No, that has been stolen from me. Stolen by the events that I shall proceed to tell you now.


On that day the sun shone hotter, as if all the bodies now freed from the halls of mechanization and mental programming were drawing its rays more intensely.  Like so many of my kind, I had been banished from my living quarters and tasked with finding some societally acceptable way to waste my time and maybe earn some compensation. After much begging and many rejections, I finally found a place that would accept the likes of me.


Beneath that malicious sun, I stood before the gates of this temple. I had heard of its interior and of the ungodly rituals that were repeated day after day inside its walls. Of the lights that blink with no earthly pattern and the sounds that vainly try to imitate life, but serve only to deaden the minds of those who can hear. The doors on which I gazed were of a hemophilic hue gilded with metal that now was tarnished and haggard. Above it was a heinous mural of their god. It was a rodent deity trying vainly to personify human features, but whose dead eyes and toothsome grin made me shiver in the caustic light of the sun. This temple was surely a place of evil.


Upon entering its doors, I saw the floor, covered in fur. The fur ran black, with unknown heavenly bodies woven into it along with those ghastly geometric figures whose purpose I knew not save to trick the eye and blind the senses. For if one could look past those horrid collections of shapes, you might see the stains of organic matter splashed across the floor. What these nauseating remains were, or from what manner of beast they might have come, I knew not then. More of my happy ignorance.


I was not alone here. Others indentured like myself wandered the rooms in a daze. My entrance was met by one elderly man, his sickly skin pulled back in a smile reminiscent of his rat god. He spoke hollow phrases of greeting, nonsense that meant little but to placate my growing fear of this place. He gestured to other automatons as they lurched past, listing identities which meant little to me. Their dark-eyed stares and slack-jawed expressions spoke only of feeble minds, broken by the tasks set before them. Dread continued to grow as the skeletal man continued to show me about the halls of worship.


As he lead me along, we came to the alter. On it stood an effigy of human proportion, fashioned in likeness to their gods. A terrifying hymn played from an unknown source and these hateful marionettes jerked to life. Their glass eyes looked past my soul as if I was not even there. They spoken in grating sounds, unlike any human voice. The males movements stuttered like muscles fighting the rigamortis that held them. The lone female staggered with a broken licentiousness that burned itself into some reptilian place in my brain and dances there still. Slowly, for fear of incurring their wrath, I backed away from the altar, letting the old man revel in their unceasing stare.


Retreating into the entrance hall, I heard an unsanctimonious growling from beyond the doors. The ghoulish chime of a clock heralded the turn of the hour. One of my uncouth fellows opened the doors.


What poured in can only be described as pure horror.


Into the building they sprinted, tiny legs carrying them, some with shaky, unsteady gait, to the flashing lights and raucous sounds of their digital quarry. They pounded on the devices, screeching for payment. Their mouths agape, filled with misshapen fangs. Some mouths were bound in metal, others were an endless stream of slobber, tongues flailing like another spasmodic limb.  They stampeded past me, bodies barely coming up to my waist. Each had a look in their eye that spoke of desire and mesmerized fanaticism to the gods of this temple. Yet, over the sounds of electronic entertainment and the bark of jerking deities on stage, the most horrid sound arouse. The screaming. These beastly little creatures screamed at such a volume, with such intensity, that it stung my ears and rattled inside my skull like an entire hive of hornets, eagerly seeking escape.


Behind these creatures lurched their matured forms. Adults like I had known, but with something missing inside their souls. Their eyes were dull, listless. They staggered to various tables and chairs, crashing into them with an air of abject defeat. They sat like persecuted prisoners, waiting on their executioners. Those who arrived paired spoke quietly, leaning toward each other to hear the others rasping replies above the ungodly din. They did naught but sit and watch the terrors that had dragged them to this place.


These little demon’s whole world was focused solely on the tatters of paper that bore a printing of that vile deity. Screams would grow in volume to near mind shattering levels as they wrapped their claws around more and more of these paper scraps. Then, whence they believed that had a sufficient number, they brought them to me, dumping them upon the frail glass surface that separated me from them. I tallied their scavenged dregs and somehow managed to translate their incessant chatter to determine what foul trophy they desired in exchange. To some went hollow animal carcasses painted so to hide their rot. To others, small wrapped parcels that the monsters ripped apart and shoved the contents into their dripping jaws; hours of work gone in seconds into maws that stunk of death.


One so trapped in bondage as myself, whose branding suggested his name to be “Keith”, brought to me a staff of a sickly gold color, whose head was adorned with dying grey fibers of serpentine quality. Along with that accursed scepter came  a similarly colored barrel filled with some viscous, murky fluid that spoke once of being water, but whose brown hues could no longer claim that name. This “Keith” directed me toward the temples back doors, ones through which the dwarfish beasts and towering husks had been visiting to make their offerings to thrones and gods of unknown pallor and exterior. He spoke of the gastronomical havoc wrought upon one of these beasts and bade me, no, commanded me, to attend to the creature’s odious remains left behind.


I approached the door, “Keith’s” barely contained mirth oozing through my ear and into my brain. He knew what lay beyond the door I stood before, the door with the hieroglyph bearing the shape of a man trapped in a tomb shaped of the grease-filled refuse that we offered the beings of this place. Dragging the barrel and scepter behind, I opened the door to attend to my orders.


I believe it was then that I truly went mad.


There was one of those cretins, sitting on the floor, liquid bursting from every orifice of its visage. Covering it and the floor was the half-digested remains of the food discs served to them. Its face was red and appeared near bursting. It looked up at me, filth staining it and began to sway towards me, arms stretch like it was seeking to embrace me.


I screamed like the beasts that gathered in that temple. My voice did not lessen in horror as I fled. I tore at the robes that all who were enslaved to that place must be adorned with. Maybe I lost my name then as well, as the metal plaque with my name was left with the discarded cloth, crumpled on the floor near the entrance. Pushing past the elder who had greeted me and tried to induct me into his cult, I sprinted to the doorway, into that glaring sun.


Never would I return to that den of filth.

Now I sit in my room, the only light coming from this lamp upon my desk. Anything much stronger reminds me of those flashing, hypnotic lights that deaw in and enslaved those miniscule wretches. My parents continue to speak ill of my, accusing me of sloth and lacking ambition. They remain happily unaware of the terror I have seen. Their ignorance tries to encourage me to try again, to go forth once more into that seething vortex of depravity. They list other locations where I might lend my service, as if in those hovels of consumerism my experience will be different. No, I refuse. Until the day I die I shall never take on that mantel again. Never will I work in a palace that services those creatures we call “customers.”

Monday, June 23, 2014

Making Sense

They had all been milling about for a while now. Not saying much, just looking up at the lights above them and the people passing by around them. It wasn't as if they hated each other or has some other reason not to talk with one another. Just, no one had thought of it.


Abe was new however, and the silence bored him. He turned to Frank near him. “So what brought you here?”


Frank blinked, staring for a moment. “What?”


“You know, we all came here for one reason or another, so what brought you to this place?”


Frank stayed quiet.


Abe sighed. “All right, look. See, I’m here because the guy I was hanging out with decided to show off to some of the girls he and his buddy were hanging out with so he skipped it across the fountain. And here I am. Pretty simple, right? So now it’s your turn.”


“Um, okay...I guess,” Frank mumbled. “I was with a mom and her son. The little man wanted to throw something in, so she gave him it and he threw it in deep. I was really glad to see how happy he was afterwards.” Frank smiled, gazing toward the edge.


“See, that’s a charming story. Says a lot about you.” Abe nodded, smiling. “I bet no one knows that about you, huh?”


“Um...I guess.”


“Hey George, you heard that right?” Abe called to George who was resting nearby. “Did you know that about Frank?”


“Can’t say I did,” George said, rousing himself from his nap.


“Now what about you George? What’s your deal?” Abe prodded.


“So I guess we’re doing this now?” George sighed. “Welp, if I remember right, I was palling with a guy named Bryan at the time. He tossed it in wishing to get together with a some girl named Molly.”


“Oh hey, that’s really funny!” Dwight said from his spot. “A girl named Molly tossed it in to wish to have a successful marriage to a guy named Bryan. Maybe it’s the same two.”


“Well then don’t I feel lucky.” George laughed.


“It would explain why she used something so uncommon,” Abe mused.


“It’s nice to see that some actions are so universal. That make those kinds of wishes in Canada as well.” Liz said, inserting herself into the conversation. Tom rested near her.


“Speaking of uncommon, it’s not often we see someone like you around here Liz. Care to share with us?” Abe asked.


“No trouble at all. I must say, however, I have changed company a few times recently. I came to the states with a college student from Canada. However, she used it to call home from the airport and I didn't see where she went off to. At the airport I met a man calling his wife and traveled with him a bit, then there was the incident at the soda machine where I met a very proper young girl. I came with her to this mall and lost track of her at the candy machines before making the acquaintance of an elderly man with a British accent. He used it to wish for a chance to see his grandchildren in London again.”


“That’s quite the adventure Ms. Liz,” Frank piped up.


“It was a nice chance to meet so many interesting people,” She agreed. “Tom and I had a very pleasant chat while in the company of that nice English man, didn't we Tom?”


“Indeed, a truly enlightening discussion we had.” He smiled at her. “One I enjoyed very much.”


“What about Helen and Other George?” Dwight said. His voice was quiet. “They’re just sort of by themselves over there.”


“Well, we all have a story. Let’s see if I can get theirs.” Abe waved at the two. “Hey guys, want to join the party?”


Other George looked at him. His eyes were weary. “Thanks, but ours isn't so cheery as all yours. We’ll stay here if that’s all right.”


Abe shook his head. “Come on, I know that I want to hear it. We all know not everything in life is perfect. We've been around for a while. And it helps to share with friends.”


Helen made a few gestures from behind Other George. He sighed and nodded. “I suppose you’re right Helen.” He made his way over to the growing group. “Ours comes from a wish just like many of yours, but with less hope. We were traveling with a father. He had come here to build a bear for his son at that one store. The bear was brown and soft, and he got it a super hero costume. We heard that cashier ask who it was for and the father told about his son in the hospital. The conversation had made him tear up, and by the time he tossed it with his wish, he was wiping away some tears.”


“What was his wish?” Frank asked.


“That he’d make it in time to give his son the bear.”


The group was quiet. Liz dabbed at her eyes before passing the handkerchief to Dwight who was crying openly.


“Thank you for sharing,” Tom said. “It’s a touching story to be sure.”


“See, this is why I wanted to ask you all your stories,” Abe said, smiling. He looked at those gathered around him. “We've all got stories, people that we've met, places we've been, and we've been a part of the live of those around us. I think, I think that while we here, we can share those stories with each other, and maybe find something in it for each of us.”


He saw the others smiling, some nodding.

“Let’s enjoy each others’ company for as long as it lasts. Okay?”

Monday, June 9, 2014

Gone

You left, after so many years
You left and didn’t say good-bye.
We were the best of friends
Kindred spirits since we were young.
We grew together, we fought, we talked,
We laughed, were quiet, but were connected.

And then you left.

You found a boy and lost yourself
In him and you seemed to forget
Who you were and where you came from
Who you left behind.
Never did I hear from you
Never did I see you
For years you were gone.

Was it because of you that I found her?
She was lost, I wanted to fulfill.
Her lips were new and I didn’t know better
Guess that’s why I fell so hard.
Three weeks later, my heart hurt
I let her go, her anger glancing off me.
A summer experience
That’s what I call her
Makes my shame easier to bear.
Maybe.

And then you came back.
I was shocked really.
You walked up with your mom, looking sheepish.
Of course I hugged you
Of course I gave you a hard time

Of course I was happy to see you.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

I Want

I want to sleep in
I want to skip breakfast
I want to know what's going on
I want mom to stand up
I want her to speak normally
I want dad to stay in control
I want to panic
I want to sleep through it
I want to close my eyes
I want to help
I want to lay down
I want to not smell it
I want to be useful
I want to go back to bed
I want her to be totally better
I want her not to faint again
I want to sleep
I want to move in
I want her to see a doctor
I want to not wait
I want my batteries not to die
I want something to eat
I want traffic to not suck
I want a sandwich
I want some ice tea
I want to be back
I want to unwind
I want better news
I want to cry
I want to call my friends
I want to panic
I want to break down
I want to see her again
I want her to live
I want them to drive fast
I want to use the bathroom
I want to leave
I want to follow
I want more people to pray
I want God's miracle
I want to be there
I want to see her arrive
I want them to tell us more
I want time to go faster
I want to lie down
I want them to do more
I want to nap
I want to play games
I want to be distracted
I want the doctor to show up
I want him to speak better English
I want him to stop repeating himself
I want my question answered
I want something definitive
I want her to stop worrying about me
I want her to not worry
I want the thing to stay still
I want her to get better
I want her to be okay
I want to know God is here

Monday, January 27, 2014

Friends with the Wolf

The train rolled down the tracks along the Irish coast line. I sat alone at my window seat, watching the land skate by. Waves crashed against the rocks along the coast. People wandered the streets in their towns. A few people were muttering in the train car, seated away from me. This was another train trip that I took on my own. It was a choice to be alone, to not ask anyone to join me. Sometimes, my best companion was myself. I leaned my head against the window, watching.

In time, we arrived in Dublin. I wandered out of the station, threading my way through crowds of nameless faces. Streets that I had paced alone so often lead me through the city and across the bridge spanning the River Liffey. I could see my face in the water below, and the passing silhouettes of whoever’s life I happened to be passing through that moment.

I arrived somewhere I never thought I would be, never thought I would belong. On a back street, at a bar called the Academy, I formed in line with everyone else. I was there early, shivering a bit in the evening chill. The sun was still up, somewhere behind those grey clouds. The line wasn’t that long and I could tell that we were all excited. We were all here to see the same man, Andrew W.K.

I got my tickets from a guy behind a plastic window; I had to listen hard to get past his accent and all the noise. The hall was empty, nowhere near as many people as I thought would be there. Maybe Andrew wasn’t as popular over here. The thin crowd allowed me to find a nice spot on the main floor, right against a guard rail, out of the way of everyone else. And there I planned to stay for however long the concert took.
           
In time, the opening act came out on stage. They were some local Dublin band, trying to hit it big. Unfortunately for them, they were the skinny jean, denim vest, greasy hair kind and their act was as “Dead, dead, fucking dead” as their last song. And while their music sucked, the crowd seemed to enjoy themselves. People were already being lifted into the air and thrown toward the stage, and someone’s beer had already been spilled over my shoes.
           
After the lead singer finally stopped rolling on the floor and the band left, we had some down time. The crew was setting up the stage for the main act. As I waited, I watched the crowd around me. They were the types I had expected: baggy black pants, plenty of chains, dyed black hair or startlingly blonde, t-shirts for bands that I didn’t know, and piercings all around. They reminded me of the friends I had back in high school freshman year. As for me, I was dressed in my brown pants, hiking boots, military jacket and grey hat. Maybe I was hoping to blend into the background and go unnoticed.
            
More people started to stream in. All of them in various kinds of black or some clashing color. A crowd of uniqueness was gathering. And the beer was flowing more freely. I watched a few people make multiple trips to the bar, though they might have been going for friends. I was tempted to get my first drink at that very show, but my ignorance of what to ask for held me back; not really the place for me to look like a fool.
          
Soon enough, the place was packed. I was engulfed in a sea of the alternative and indie. The crowd was restless and even before the music began; people were practicing their mosh-pit body slams. I stayed leaned against my guard rail, watching.
            
The lights flickered and dimmed and they all started cheering. We knew what was coming next. First the drummer mounted the stage, then the bassist. With hair nearly as wild as the man we came to see, the guitarist and Cherie Lily, Andrews wife, jumped on stage to rev up the crowd. The already raucous crowd reached a kind of frenzy I didn’t think was possible.
           
We waited. We knew but didn’t know how long it would be. Finally, the guitarist grabbed the mic and yelled, “Ladies and gentlemen! ANDREW. W. K!” Everyone shouted as the man ran on stage, his white clothes bright in the crappy lighting and his long black hair flowing behind him. He bent down to hi-five as many people as he could before grabbing the mic and signaling to start the music.
           
 “It’s time to party!” He shouted and the crowd all sang along to the song of the same name. I leaned on my railing, bobbing my head with the music, not singing. The crowd was alive, the band was excited, the beer was flowing, and I observed.
            
The night continued on, the music was loud and the energy infectious. The guitar was wild and exciting. The keyboard was electric. And the drums kept the pulse of the show. It was metal, sure, but happy metal, the kind of ridiculously over the top music that could break glass and liven hearts. I couldn’t help myself. As the songs came and went I found myself pumping my fist in the air along with the rest of them. I was shouting the lyrics to every song along with the rest of them. I found myself absorbed into the mosh-pit and was throwing myself around with the rest of them.
           
 I became a part of them. Despite my best efforts I was drawn into the mass of humanity, literally and figuratively. Regardless of my desire to stay on the outskirts, to observe, they pulled me in. These people, they mattered to me, if only for a little while. As Andrew sang “She is Beautiful” I sang along, aiming the words at the girl in front of me. I truly didn’t think she was, but I felt compelled to tell her all the same. Those that I was being shoved into and shoving against weren’t a threat; they weren’t trying to hurt me, just as I wasn’t trying to hurt them. We were friends in that moment, showing affection.
          
 After what must have been three hours of jumping, shouting, and head banging, the concert came to a close. As Andrew and his band left the stage we cheered our hero and called for one last song. For nearly five minutes. He didn’t come back, not like so many other musicians where a few extra seconds of clapping get them back for an encore. We stayed and called, willing him to come back.
           
He did, finally. After what seemed like so long, Andrew W.K. came back to us for one last song. “We Want Fun” was our final anthem for the night, a call to all of us to find a little time and enjoy life. And Andrew gave us an example of that, jumping out into the crowd and letting us pass him along like he was floating on the tides. I got a hand on him to help him on his journey. Finally, after the amps were silenced, after the lights came back on, after bodies stopped barreling into each other, we left the Academy.

I drifted away from the rest of the crowd. On my way out I bought his signature white t-shirt with blood running down it, a memento of the night. In the night air I realized how hot it was in there, how sweaty I was now. In the middle of the street I peeled off the shirt I was wearing and donned Andrew’s.

Waking back to the train, I was stopped. A man in an orange dress and boa and his friend, a girl in an orange jersey, stopped me on the bridge over the River Liffy. They tried to talk to me, and it was then that I realized that I couldn’t hear what they were saying. The music had muted my hearing. The girl showed me her camera and said something. I tried to take it to take their picture but she shook her head. Her friend in the dress stood next to me and I realized they wanted my picture. I smiled, wearing my bloody shirt, as a man in an orange dress in a foreign country stood next to me, arms around each other’s shoulders.

I felt out of place as that night began. Concerts were never my scene and getting caught in a mosh pit was something that I figured was to be feared. Yet, in that chaos, in that mad house, amid all the drinking and shouting and bodies flying, I felt accepted. I’ll never see anyone from that night again, but for a little while there, we were friends.